My Great Sin
by JamieLovesDucks
Summary: Everyone in the London's shadow-world knows that if William Herondale cared for anyone other than himself, it was James Carstairs. The two teen Parabatai are inseparable, even they know they are. but what happens when a series of innocent incidents in their homeland, Idris.. lead to other, less innocent incidents? love isn't always searched for, sometimes it finds you instead...
1. Prologue

My Great Sin

 _Entreat me not to leave thee,_

 _or return from following after thee -_

 _for whither thou goest, I will go; and_

 _where thou lodgest, I will lodge._

 _Thy people shall be my people,_

 _and thy God, my God._

 _Where thou dies, will I die, and there will I be buried:_

 _The Angel do so to me, and more also,_

 _If aught but death part thee and me._

 _\- The oath of the Parabatai_

Prologue: London, June 1877

'' Jem, Will! Have you packed everything that you'll be needing?'' Charlotte Branwell called out, walking out onto the stone stairs at the front of the London institute. William Herondale was walking out of the institute with a very unflattering scowl across his face, closely followed by James Carstairs who wore a more pleasant expression. The two boys made their way down after the woman. At the bottom by the carriage awaited her Husband, Henry, who kissed her lightly before helping his short angel into the carriage. He then patted the two young boys on the shoulder, earning a smile from Jem and no reaction from Will as the two helped them selves into the carriage driven by Thomas.

For the first several long moments the trio remained silent. Only when the institute disappeared around the corner did Charlotte sigh in exasperation and said,'' Oh, what is it now Will?''. William, who has spent the time with arms crossed over his chest and frowning deeply, glared daggers in her direction.'' I do not see the reasoning by which I am required to go on the voyage with you, charlotte''. The woman sighed again, rubbing her temples as if her head was in pain, while Jem simply rolled his eyes. No one, perhaps with the exception of Jem ever got used to the melodramatic nature of the teen (though maybe Jem was simply a patient enough person to not let it bother him so much).'' You are coming with me...'' she began, in a way you would word out everything for a small child.''...because I don't trust you being alone in the institute without me''. Will threw up his arms.'' What have I ever done to earn this distrust?''.

'' Well..'' Jem began, to his own amusement.'' ..remember how last month you practically burned down the weapons room?''

'' I was simply trying out Henry's new fire-weapons''. Yet again Charlotte sighed.'' I still cannot believe he let _you_ near these weapons..''. Jem cleared his throat.'' And remember how just a week before that Charlotte had an Enclave meeting and you stormed into the room and started accusing all the members of the Enclave of being infected with demon pox?''.

'' Gideon Lightwood had all the sympto-''

'' Will..'' Jem said calmly and patiently.'' demon pox isn't a real disease... I am quite certain we talked about it before''. Will frowns again but then groans with annoyance.'' I don't see how any of this links? I wasn't alone then''

'' Exactly'' said Charlotte.'' This is precisely why I can't let you be alone in the institute''.

'' And Jem?'' Will asked. Charlotte glanced at the sliver boy who smiled at her kindly.'' Jem is you're _parabatai_ , Will and besides, someone has to keep an eye on you in Idris''.

'' You think I would what? Burn down Alicante? climb the demon towers?''.

'' The fact that you are suggesting such things makes me even more worried''. At this he smirked.'' Jem..'' she says though doesn't look over at him.'' Do keep an eye on him for these two days, please''. The smile that never left his face only brightened.'' Charlotte, when was it that I haven't kept an eye on him these past 4 years?''. He then glances over at Will, and for the first time this morning Will smiled.'' when indeed''.


	2. Upon The Arrival

Chapter 1: Upon the arrival

 _Thursday 7:43 a.m._

'' James, I have a terrible feeling we will be seeing ducks'', Will said, leaning on the railing looking out at the horizon.'' At sea, William? where did you come across such bizarre ideas?'' asked the other boy as he came over to lean next the his _parabatai._ '' I would find it quite bizarre seeing a duck in the middle of such vast waters..''  
'' Ducks, my dear Jem, _are_ bizarre creatures themselves.. I would be more inclined to _not_ find a duck swimming in the ocean bizarre''. Jem rolls his eyes.'' Besides..'' Will adds, not noticing his friends gesture,'' ..I never said we'd be seeing a duck _here_... we might very well be seeing it _there''._ Jem looks up at him.'' In Idris?''. he shakes his head.'' We are going to the Nephilim country and your primary interest is that of seeing ducks. You have a very unusual set of priorities, Will. You don't need to be near the demon towers of Alicante to come across a duck''.  
'' That is precisely..'' Will says, pointing his finger at Jem.''..why it is even more likely for us to see those hell-born creatures''.  
'' Oh by the angel Will, you and your bloody ducks'' says Charlotte who seemed to be done with whatever boarding business she had to take care off.'' Bloody indeed'' says Will, causing Charlotte to sigh for what seemed like the 100th time this morning before they headed onto the ship.

 _Thursday 6:04 p.m._

'' So, this is Alicante..'' said Jem, looking around the city as they made their way through it.'' Sometimes I forget how the two of you have never been to Idris before'' Charlotte said, and there was a hint of sympathy in it. When Jem was born his parents moved to the Shanghai Institute. Even when they died and he had the chance to go to Idris and live with his uncle he didn't accept and moved to London. And Will lived a life very much the same as many mundane lives until he fled to London.

The two boys seemed so deeply in awe that Charlotte could almost forget they were both 16 years old. They'd be adults in two years, it's hard to believe they are the same as those children she had brought into the Institute only 4 years ago. She knew they would grow up to be handsome men, most shadowhunters did, many suspected it was due to the Angelic blood, and she also hoped for them both to be wise, even when Will was showing clear signs of being a source of trouble. Let us hope two years was enough to change that.  
'' So.. no demons can enter, is it?'' asked Will, staring up at the demon towers.'' No, the demon towers prevent it'' answered Charlotte.'' And the guard is atop that hill?'' Will thrust his head in the general direction.'' Yes''.  
'' I see..'' said Will, and then fell silent. When Charlotte looked over her shoulder she saw that both Will and Jem were walking a little further behind her. They walked close enough to brush their shoulders against one another and were talking in hushed voice to each other as they pointed out different things and laughed. She smiled to herself. Will didn't need two years... he just simply needed Jem.

 _Thursday 7:30 p.m._

'' Dear me, this place hasn't changed'' Charlotte said, taking off her hat upon entering the front entrance of the Fairchild estate.'' Do feel free to go upstairs... your room is on the second floor'' she said and headed into the depths of the house. Will and Jem both took a moment to take off their jackets and Will taking of his hat before they slowly made their way upstairs.'' I quite like it here'' Jem said, sitting himself on one of the two beds in the room.'' Idris is a lot more peaceful than London''. Will smiled lightly as he set his clothes and book out of his bag.'' I'll find it hard to fall asleep in this quiet after all these years... though it does remind me of home''.  
'' In many ways we are home, Will. Idris is home to all Nephilim..'' Jem said, putting his drug on the night stand. He didn't take the whole box but only a small sack that would last him 2-3 days.''.. even to those who never seen it''.  
'' You do know what I mean, James, do you not?'' Will said, glancing up from his things to look straight at Jem, who offered him his darling smile.'' I do Will of course I do''.

 _Thursday 8:43 p.m._

'' I must say Charlotte, that you are an excellent cook. I would have married you before Henry if I knew'' Will said after finishing his meal. Charlotte smiled.'' I am flattered by this Will, but you would need to be a year or two older''.  
''I don't see why'' Jem said, adding sugar to his tea.'' love knows no age, and if I am to be honest I agree very much with Will in this matter''. Will grinned.'' If Charlotte was your wife, James, I would be eating dinner with you on a daily bases''.  
'' Oh boys stop it, I'm not that good of a cook'' she said laughing with them, though a light blush covered her cheeks. The two exchanged glances and drank their tea in silence.'' I do trust you won't be leaving the house tonight Will? I wouldn't like the idea of you wondering Alicante alone at night, for safety reasons''. Seeing as to what Will was about to say she added,'' not _your_ safety, William''. Jem chuckled against his cup of tea, earning a glare from Will.'' Well..'' Will said, setting his empty cup on the table as he stood up.'' You have nothing to worry about, Charlotte'' and he left the room. Jem followed him with his gaze but then turned to Charlotte.'' Would you like me to help you clean up?''. She smiled at him gratefully.'' Thank you, Jem''.

 _Thursday 10:16 p.m._

'' Jem?'' Will said in a hushed voice, glancing over from his his book towards his _parabatai_ lying with his eyes closed on the other side of the dimly lit room. Jem opened his eyes slowly and looked back at Will.'' Yes, William?''.  
'' I was wondering..'' Will grinned.'' If you'd be finding any interest in going duck-hunting with me''. Jem sat up.'' Right now, Will? and duck-hunting?''. Will's grin widened.'' come on Jem, it'll be fun''.  
'' What did Charlotte tell you at the dinner table?'' Asked Jem, crossing his arms. Will's grin stayed where it was.'' Only if I am _alone_ and besides, she never told _you_ you can't leave the house''. After a long moment of soundlessly staring at one another Will knew he won him over. Jem sighed and swung his long legs over the side of the bed.'' Alright Will.. I'll come with you but only because I know you'd go without me anyway''. Will laid his book at the side of the bed.'' I knew I could count on you, James''.

After changing back into normal clothes the two snuck out through the window. Alicante was dark at night, the only light coming from the demon towers which looked even more haunting and magnificent. The streets were empty as they walked through them soundlessly.'' So..'' Jem said, glancing sideways at his companion.'' Where are those ducks you have been speaking of?''. Will smirked.''I'm afraid we will need to find them. Or, we could simply tour the city''.  
'' There isn't much to see of Alicante at night, Will. All the shops are closed by this hour''. Will stopped in his tracks and took Jem by his shoulders.'' That is the whole purpose!''. Jem raised an eyebrow but followed after Will who to be completely truthful didn't look like he had any place in mind, wherever he was going.  
They ended up simply walking the streets of Alicante, admiring the European beauty of it. The streets reminded them both of what Will pictured in his head while reading and to Jem the paintings of great artists. He felt that if he had the talent to paint, he would want to recreate the beauty of Idris on a canvas. After a while they reached Angel square, a place Charlotte told them about, saying how all the paths in Idris led right to it.'' I must say, this _is_ quite impressive'' Will said.'' I was thinking the same'', Jem said realising he has stopped to admire the place and Will was already half the way across it.'' But you didn't say it'' Will smiled, and the two sat on the edge of the fountain.'' It's hard to imagine we're actually in Idris'' Jem sighs, staring up at the cloudless night sky. Will smiled.'' I know. When we were young, father used to tell us all about. I could tell he missed it..''.

'' Will...''. Will shuck his head.'' 't's alright, Jem... although it would make me happy if he could see this again, or if I could tell him I have seen it''. They sat in silence for a while, simply staring up at the stars. Back in London it was hard to see anything beyond the thick clouds. Only then did Jem notice Will standing in front of him, holding out his hand.'' Come on, Jem. It is quite late and we better go back before Charlotte notices our absence''. Jem gave a small smile taking Will's hand, who helped him to his feet. They held their hands only a second too long before letting go and walking back to the Fairchild estate, the warmth of the touch lingering on their skins until they fell asleep.


	3. Annoyed Jem, Frightened Will, Ducks

Chapter 2: Annoyed Jem, patient Charlotte, frightened Will and Alicantian ducks..

Friday, Alicante

If James Carstairs' patience was ever to be questioned, I would have had to be now. When the boy woke up 3 hours ago, he decided to give his _parabatai_ another hour of rest before waking him so he could get ready before breakfast. 3 hours later, the person in question didn't show any signs of wanting to wake up, No matter what Jem said, did or threatened him about, the other simply nodded and went back to sleep.

'' Will'' Jem said. The other didn't react, though Jem knew he heard him.'' William Herondale you need to wake up''.

'' Five minutes, James...'' the other mumbled, curling himself deeper into the bedsheets. Will hardly ever acted like this, and when he did, Jem had to go to extreme measures to wake him up. But never before did it take him 2 hours to drag this young man out of bed. Jem in all honesty wouldn't have minded if his _parabatai_ would once for a change give in to his pleading, at least today. But Will Herondale very much seemed to have other plans as the raven relaxed even further into bed, his dark curls tousled all over the white cushions. Jem's patience with the other was running low.'' Will you are beginning to irritate me..'', he said in his calm voice, though there was a slight, rough edge to it. Will grinned,'' took you long enough''. He took a deep breath and exhaled, feeling a lot better and said.'' you have 10 seconds to get up Will, nothing more''.

'' hmm''

''..10..''

''…''

''...9..''

''…''

''..8..''

''…...''

''...7...''

''…...''

''...6..''

''…...zzz...''

''..5, 4, 3, 2 1!''. Jem with a swift movement of long arms pulled all the bed spreads from above and under Will, much to his dislike. Grabbing onto Will's ankle he began to drag him out of bed and out of the room. Only halfway down the hall did he finally let go of the struggling William Herondale who immediately got to his feet and said, what seemed like an improvement from 'Jem! Let go you bloody bastard!','' What in the Angel's name was that, Jem?!''.

'' Exactly what it looked like, me _dragging_ you out of bed''. Will frowned at Jem and to his surprise Jem was frowning back. Will huffed in annoyance and walked past Jem and Jem soon started walking as well until they reached the dinning room.'' Good morni-'' Charlotte stopped mid sentence. Will looked as moody as ever, sitting himself on one side of the table. But Jem, if she hadn't known Jem all these years she would have said Jem looked angry! but this was Jem, he wasn't a person easily annoyed and she has never seen more than mildly angered. She didn't suspect anything wholly terrible has happened. Snapping out of her daze Charlotte glanced at the black boy to her left and then the sliver boy to her right, both glaring daggers at one another not even noticing she was here.'' Oh boys, what happened between the two of you?'' she asked, taking this as a momentary thing and proceeding to putting some food on her plate. this was _Will_ and _Jem_ after all, whatever they're overreacting about they'd forget about it in 5 minutes. More than 5 minutes later she cleared her throat.'' You two boys took longer than I'd expected to get here..''.

'' That is because someone wouldn't get out of bed''  
'' Because I was being threatened by Mr. Carstairs''. the two spoke at the same time. Their eye-daggers sharpened.

'' Because..'' Jem repeated,'' someone wouldn't get out of bed''. Will clicked his tongue and proceeded to drink his tea. Jem rolled his eyes and sighed before continuing with his toast. He'd just have to wait until his _parabatai_ cooled his temper.

11:22 a.m.

Deciding that staying in the manor would do him no good when it came to calming his nerves, Will headed out into Alicante. The place looked a lot different in the daytime. There were Nephilim walking through the streets (not as crowded as London's, Will noted), stores were open and skies cloudless. Will didn't realise at first that he has been walking the same path him and Jem chose last night, walking into multiple shops and seeing what they had to offer. He stayed a bit longer in one of the blacksmith's, taking an interest in some of the presented weapons.

Soon Will found himself reaching Angel square, the place a little more crowded but not ridiculously so. He sat down on the edge of the fountain as him and James have done last night and looked around the place. It was just as beautiful, but in a different way; never-the-less Will liked it. A light breeze filled the air, causing Will to close his eyes in the pleasant wind. Alicante smelled like sunshine, fresh bread and flowers but also of metal and _adamas_ and nephilim. Something exactly between what Will calls home and what he used to call home. The word floated in his head. _Home._ Images appeared in his mind. Of Cecily running around after him; days spent playing outside with his sisters; evenings spent reading in his bed; his mothers amazing cooking and his fathers heroic tales from the life he left behind; and Ella standing between himself and the demon, trying to protect him. And then he saw other images: Charlotte promising him to tell him if his family was ever to die; christmas parties at the institute; hours of training in the attic; 13 year old Will against one of the libraries bookshelves, reading the codex; and of course, Jem.

 _Jem,_ will suddenly realised, was the closest thing he had to family. to _home._ They are _parabatai,_ family, blood brothers, a bond between them stronger than any other bond, be it by blood or friendship, they were _more._ And then another image filled the back of his eyes. Him and will last night, watching the stars, holding their hands just a moment too long. Was that an accident? of course it was. Though Will felt as if electricity ran through between their fingers and his legs became strangely numb until the connection was undone. Will shook his head. _don't read into this too much_ he told himself, _it is no good for you nor Jem, it meant nothing at all._ '' Quack''. Will's eyes suddenly flew open, confusion obvious on his face. When the sound repeated his looked to his side to see a duck staring up at him right next to him hand.'' Whoa!'' he exclaimed, surprised to see the animal so close to him going unnoticed for so long. he was so shocked that in fact he overbalanced, landing his behind on the stone flooring of Angel square. There indeed seemed to be a duck on the edge of the fountain, staring down at him until it returned back to the other ducks swimming about in the water. Will stunned himself for not noticing them there before.

And then he heard laugher, pure and loud and familiar, though he didn't hear it this pronounced often. Turning his head to look behind him he saw Jem standing only feet away from him, hands clutching his stomach as he laughed whole-heartedly at the scene that occurred before him. Will was certain his _parabatai_ was around long enough to witness Will's quite humiliating performance. He set his jaw.'' Jem Carstairs, I suggest you begin to run''. By the time Will has gotten back onto his feet Jem was already speeding through the streets of Alicante. He laughed as he heard hid younger _parabatai_ shouting after him,'' James! get back here you bastard!''. Jem continued to run until he was out of breathe and certain he lost the other in the crowd; inwardly cursing himself for not taking more _yin fen_ this morning and turning to walk back to the house, Jem collided with another head. Will's head. The two boys loss their balance and the next thing they know Will's back collides with the cobblestones of the backstreet and Jem's face with his chest.'' By the Angel, Will, I'm so-..sorry..''. Jem quickly lifted himself up on his arms before realising the position they were in. Their bodies were lined against each other, Will on his elbows and Jem's hand against the other's hard chest.

'' U-umm..''. Will didn't know what to say; he was trying very hard not to move. They stared at one another for a while, slowly growing redder in the face. Jem looked to the side.'' Sorry..'' he mumbles and just like that gets off of Will. He holds his hand out to Will.'' Let's go back to Charlotte's?''. Will could only nod his head as he took Jem's hand and the other helped him to his feet. Today Will let go fast, as if Jem's touch burned him. Jem did exactly the same thing. They walked back to the Fairchild estate, not speaking a single word until they're halfway there..


	4. Seeing The Dead

Chapter 3: Seeing the Dead

Even by the time William and James had reached the Fairchild estate, the incident hadn't been mentioned. The two friends talked for the last half of the way as if nothing happened. They both decided (without needing to communicate) that it was best not to mention it. It was simply an accident, an easy error that was not significant in the slightest; and it had better stay that way.

Upon entering the house the _parabatai_ each went their own way, Will mumbling something about asking Charlotte if she was going to be making dinner preparations any time soon , whilst their outdoor attire has been removed. Jem however, decided to make his way to their room seeing as he didn't have anything better to do, all the way there cursing his own mind. _stupid, stupid_ he kept thinking _don't think about it, idiot... it will do you no good._ He was seriously beginning to over think this, he knew. All that happened was that they tripped over, and fell... and stared... and held hands last ni-.'' Stop this..!'' he hissed at himself, gripping silver strands roughly between his fingers. _don't think this... you cannot think this.._

 _'you want to think this...'_ a voice told him but he shuck his head, _no._ To begin with, these things didn't mean anything. Him and Will had held hands plenty of times, especially in that really clingy stage when they first became _parabatai._ Jem didn't like sleeping alone back then, the nightmares after his still-recent losses kept him awake at night. Yet, holding his _parabatai's_ hand somehow made the bad dreams disappear as soon as they came, like smoke in water. And the accident from earlier today.. this happened all the time in training. In fact, it had been even worse in training! Another thing to keep in mind is that they both were _men._ As far as he was aware Will always had a thing for women, though it often looked like the women had a thing for _Will._ He never showed any interest in the members of the same sex and as little as Jem thought about the more beautiful sex and any members of it, he himself very much believed he had a preference in it as well. Not that things like this mattered when you were a 16 year old, dying and drug addict who was half asian plus looked like he hadn't seen food in weeks. Jem sighed; and then came the next point that crossed his mind. The two of them were _parabatai._ There is nothing else to be said. It was _forbidden_ to fall in love with your own _parabatai._ In fact, you would be risking getting your Shadowhunter marks removed if you were caught (that is, if you did in fact have an affair). To Shadowhunters if was as much of a blasphemy as having a romantic (or sexual, as it also may be) relationship with one's own sibling. Therefore it was _impossible_ for it to be anything more than what it actually was. An _accident._ Not that anything really occurred during it.

Jem sighed again, this time the exhale sounded as frustrated as _Jem_ could possibly could; he flopped down onto his bed, groaning and covering his eyes with his forearms. He was _definitely_ over-thinking this..

Meanwhile, in another part of the house Will was wandering the library with the book/journal he has brought to Idris. Seating himself near a window, Will found himself reading it, the plot and meaning of any of the words lost as William's mind once again started to slip away from the reality and to the _past_ named unfairly; James Carstairs. That silver face wouldn't leave Will's vision even if he were to scratch his eyes out, which he for the record wouldn't be doing (what was the point if it wouldn't help?). The letters on the pages _magically_ began to mend together, creating words and phrases Will could understand, but maybe not appreciate. He threw away the book as if it held Hell's fire within. _Bloody Angel_ he thought. _Monstrous... was this indeed how men ha-_ '' Will! Jem! The dinner will be ready soon!'' he heard Charlotte's words sound through the house from what he guessed was the estate's kitchen. Gracing the devious book on the floor with one last stabbing glance, Will reached for his jacket, throwing it over his shoulders as he headed down to the dinning room; he tried very hard to keep his newly acquired information at the very back of his mind (and made a mental note to watch out what he decides to read next time).

However, the dinner itself wasn't awkward at all. They once more enjoyed Charlotte's cooking, causing the young mrs. Branwell to blush.'' If it were not for our dear, sweet Agatha I would have asked you to cook meals for us, Charlotte'' Jem said and Will could only nod. It was true Agatha was an amazing cook, but there was that cozy, homey feeling when you ate Charlotte's food, as if it poured out straight from her heart.'' Thank you, boys'' she said for what seemed like the 10th time tonight and continued to eat. Jem then proceeded to tell her what he had witnessed today at Angel square (yes, the ducks) and Will was determined to make it look less like what Jem saw and more like what Will experienced, earning himself fake sympathy from Charlotte. He frowned, but inwardly was relieved Jem kept the further details to a minimum, making sure to keep out the whole falling over situation. All Will wanted to do right at that moment was to sigh in relief but knew it would raise questions and so he thought better of it. He glanced over at Jem who happened to be looking at him and smiling. Will couldn't help it. He smiled back. Noticing the exchange between the two, Charlotte smiles to herself before saying,'' Seems like everything is okay between you two boys again.'' They had to smile at that.'' Charlotte..'' said Will.'' .. you do realise that we could never truly be mad at each other?''. He smile brightened up like a star.'' Of course I do, Will, I know..''.

Being the first to finish his meal, Jem headed back to their room. No matter how much he hated it, the burning tightness was growing in his throat and around his heart, notifying him that it was time to take the drug. Reaching for the small sack with his drug, Jem got just the smallest amount and inhaled through his nose (he really didn't feel like asking for a glass of water) and exhaled. Feeling content yet disgusted at the same time, Jem decided he should perhaps get ready to sleep.

Will in all honesty didn't know which God or Angel or Satan has condemned (or blessed) him, but he was frozen in place the moment he opened the bedroom door by the sight before him. Jem stood by his bed sideways to Will, wearing nothing but his grey long-John's tight around his slim, long legs. He felt himself suck in his breath. Jem, to Will's complete surprise was skinnier than he thought, and yet at the same time more muscular. His slim frame was wrapped in a sheet of toned muscle, only the slight shadows under his ribs and the nearly unnoticeable shoulder sticking out a sign of the drug eating at him. Of course, the boys skin was coated with a fair amount of white, faded scars, but still looked as smooth as white silk. Only when Jem looked up at him, eyes slight widened but kind all the same, and spoke up did Will finally tear his eyes away.'' Will?'' Jem asked, seeing as his _parabatai_ looked stunned in place.'' Jem'' he says, sounding slightly dry in the throat, and Jem watched him as he walked across the room to his bed. trying to stay composed Jem turned his head away from the raven haired man for a moment to hide the blush that screamed to show on his ghostly skin, though Jem wasn't sure if he had indeed covered it from those piercing blue eyes. Will smiled slightly at that but then mentally slapped himself. _why are you smiling at this?_

'' James?'' Will asked, half to clear the air and half because he did come here for a reason. Jem sighed, knowing that tone of voice very well indeed.'' What do you want Will? another duck hunt? I would have thought you'd be having enough of these poor animals for today, not to mention they of _you''._

Will grinned '' did you know that there is a Herondale manor in Idris, James?''.

'' I don't see how it is something to even consider since the same it true to most Shadowhunter families, Will. There is a Carstairs house in Idris as well''. Will groaned, knowing that behind that calm and composed face was a teasing little devil.'' You do know that I didn't mean _that_ don't you, _James..''._

Jem gives his sweet smile '' I do, _William''._ Will groaned beginning to feel frustrated. He was hoping for more cooperation on his _parabatai's_ part.'' come on Jem! come see the manor with me!''. Jem replied, keeping his calm voice even as it was.'' Will, you do realise that if the Clave finds out we broke into the manor we will be facing extreme consequences''. It wasn't a question; but Will waves it off.'' _You_ do realise that _I am_ technically speaking the only rightful owner of the manor after my father?''.

'' and _you_ that the clave won't give you the right over it until you turn 18?''

'' I don't see how 2 years will be making any difference to the Clave, not to mention I only want to _see_ the place... it's not like I could actually _loot_ the place, now could I?''. They stare at each other for a while, arguing over this without the use of words. Jem's eyebrow twitches and Will knows the silver boy is giving up. He sighs and rolls his eyes.'' You will be the death of me, William Herondale''. Will laughs, though his heart tightened and for a moment he imagined it bursting to pieces within he chest.'' I know I will..''.

Outskirts of Idris, 11:43p.m.

3 hours of horse riding paid off. They reached the Herondale manor near midnight and were now getting of horsebacks. The moon was a pale glowing crescent in the sky, the only source of light apart from the witchlight in their hands. Will looked up; you could see the roof of the building over the tops of thick trees surrounding the place. Nodding his head towards it, Jem followed him as they made their way through the thick greenery onto a plain, and within the plain, the manor. It was indeed something between a typical victorian manor and a country cottage and it instantly reminded Will of his parents' home. He could almost feel the warm rays hit his already sun-kissed skin, and smell the scent of blooming flowers in the air. So many happy memories... and yet memories were all that he had.

'' Will.. come here'' he heard Jem say, and only then did he notice his friend has reached the front doors of the manor.'' The wards are up, we can't enter without notifying the Clave''. Will cursed, then looked back at Jem looking at him.'' Are the wards only here?'' asked Will, and Jem nodded.'' I could try to use certain runes to neutralise them for a while, or we could look for another way inside''.

Will thought about it for a while before saying.'' Right. James, stay here and try to use the runes while I will be searching for a back door''. They lock eyes for a moment before Jem turns back to the door and kneels down; Will heads to the back of the house.

He had to admit that the house was indeed quite large, larger than the house back in Wales, but similar all the same. It just felt so familiar, as if he expected his family to walk through the front gates calling 'we're home!', though he knew that would have never happened. Turning another corner, Will finally reached the back of the house, expanding into a huge - and surprisingly maintained - flower garden with gravel paths leading to a fountain in the centre. Although there were no real gardens in house back in Wales, Will felt as if he has seen it before. _A dream, perhaps._ He sighed however, when he seen that there in fact wasn't a back door to the house. _At least we had that in Wales._ Thats when Will heard something in the garden. Not the wind, or anything he could identify. He turned, fast enough to see some movement in the shadows of the trees beyond the manor.'' Jem? is that you, Jem?'' Will asked, taking a step closer. There was no reply. Will swallowed and slowly progressed through the garden.

'' James?''. Again, nothing but the wind replied to his calling, though the wind seemed to begin screaming. He had been in the right mind to take a seraph blade along; though Alicante had it's towers, there was nothing to stop demons roaming Idris. There was another movement within the shadows and this time Will was close enough to make out a shadow of a person.'' Who is there?'' he asked, making his voice fierce.'' Show yourself!''. There was a moment of silence, the wind froze and all sound ceased but the water pouring from the fountain in the background. There was yet another movement and the figure stepped out into the open. Will wanted to scream.

'' Will! Will, come here! I was able to neutralise the wards!'' Jem called out, seeing as he was finally able to open the front door after applying the runes. it took a little while to do but seemingly faster than it took Will to find another entrance. Somehow that pleased him very much.'' Will! have you been man-handled into a bush or are you going to come?!''. No reply. hmm..

Jem was just about to yell another half-hearted remark when he heard a noise that pierced the air. Something between a scream and a desperate cry that caused Jem to tighten his hold on his cane and run through the moonlit plains to the back of the house. Will's voice.'' WILL!'' yelled Jem, horror washing over him. He reached a flower garden and was looking around, desperate to find a flash of movement of a fight or simply (which he would prefer) Will standing feet away, laughing at making a joke out of Jem's weak heart. But no. What he found was indeed Will, but no where near how he expected. He was slumped on one of the paths leading to the centre of the garden, staring into the darkness as if he was seeing the dead.

'' Will!'' Jem called again, running over to his _parabatai._ '' Will..''. Jem put his hands over the others shoulders and was looking at him, trying to get his attention. That didn't work. Jem looked around hastily. Whatever Will must have seen wasn't good, and the air suddenly felt thick. He decided better of it than staying in the open. Throwing Will's arm over his shoulder and with the help of his cane, Jem half dragged Will into the house.

Once they got there, he set Will against a wall in the hallway, taking a moment to close the door and catch his breath. He slumped down against the wall opposite Will who looked just as horrified as he did outside moments ago.'' Ella..'' Jem heard him say, and was by his _parabatai's_ side within a eye's blink.'' Will, what is it?''. Will was shaking his head violently.'' No. No.. this cannot be true!''.

'' Will'' Jem shuck his shoulders.'' Will, calm down!''.

'' IT'S NOT TRUE! NOO!''. Jem was staring into those frightened blue eyes, which he suspected didn't see him.'' By the angel- WILL! Get out of this!''...

The raven blinked momentarily, reaching his hand to his stinging cheek. Will believed that in that moment an Angel has come down from heavens; an angel who took away the demons, the nightmares. An Angel that wore Jem's face... and he felt safe; safe because it was Jem and nothing ever felt quite as safe as those silver eyes, looking back at him with pure kindness he knew he didn't deserve, and yet selfishly yearned for. _You will be the death of me, William Herondale._ How close to truth those words were, Will knew he was selfish and yet never felt more selfish than in this moment; wanting to have his dying friend comfort him and by this damning him even more... corrupting his silver, pure, pained soul.

'' James..'' his voice was as weak as a whisper. Jem could hear the pain deep in his _parabatai's_ throat, along with the unmistakable sound of tears threatening to spill. He smiled easily at the other, as calmly as he could in a situation such as this which he could not understand; but he knew Will needed him to be the strong one now, because if Will is falling, Jem must catch him. No matter what.'' It's alright, Will. I'm here... and I won't be leaving you... not tonight''. He watched as Will's inky blue eyes widen, then begin to glow brighter, then as the crystal tears stain his reddened cheek. Jem gave him a reassuring squeeze of the hand, showing him, silently through his gesture, that he's _here_ , he is _alive,_ and he is not going anywhere for now. Will desperately held onto that pale; yet warm and elegant hand, as if letting go of Jem would mean he would vanish into thin air.

The next thing Will knew, his head was resting in Jem's lap, skinny legs giving him more comfort that he could have hoped for. He felt Jem's fingers lightly run through his hair as the silver boy spoke to him in his smooth, musical voice '' It's okay. you are safe... it's okay'', and that slowly turning into humming, and humming becoming a song, words that were foreign yet comforting and familiar all at once, because Jem sang them. Because Jem is his _soul_. He listened to Jem's Mandarin lullaby, letting the sweet melody of his voice calm him down, letting the tears go, letting him forget about seeing Ella in the gardens, Ella telling him what he already knew; that he has disappointed her, his family, and now Jem. She had told him so, and then died before his eyes, the way she might have died the night after he became cursed. And she screamed, and he screamed after her, and then all went blank, until Jem came to take him home.

Jem had seen Will break down before, but nowhere near the way he had now. Seeing him like this, Jem could not possibly guess what pain his best friend is going through, but was just as painful to Jem. And so he sat, William in his lap crying his eyes out, and Jem sang to him - what his mother used to do when he was too scared to go to bed - and ran his hands soothingly through those beautiful ebony locks. As he sang, he could hear as his hysterical sobs turned into whimpers, and those into sniffles and then just calm, tear stained breaths.

He wanted to ask; ask about what he had seen in the gardens. He then thought, _this is the Herondale manor,_ and decided better of it. Instead he just leaned down, face sinking into the black sea of softness, and kisses the top of Will's head.

The moment he did, he froze, shock clear on his face. He quickly pulled away and Will looked up at him just as surprised, not crying but tears still staining his face.'' Jem?''.

'' Sorry I... I do not know what... I...I'm sorry..''. He rushed out the door.'' James!''.

But Jem didn't look back. what has gotten into him? why had he done that? It was going too far. Jem shuck his head as he walked, Will's voice still in the distance behind him.

what did he feel? what did this mean?

Jem wasn't sure himself but he knew this could mean nothing good. He just had to get away; away from Will. Getting onto his horse, Jem headed further South, towards Brocelind forest and lake Lyn.

Once Will got home, Jem wasn't in their room. Worried, but not knowing where his friend has gone, Will lay in bed, waiting until sleep took him over. Jem didn't come back at the break of down and avoided Will for the entire trip back to London..


	5. Avoiding the Unavoidable

Chapter 4: Avoiding the Unavoidable

Okay, Will had to say that _avoided_ was a _big_ understatement. Jem was doing all that was in his power not to look at Will, to not engage in any form of conversation with the other, even not to _think_ about him. Instead, he stared absently out of the window of the carriage as they drove through London back to the Institute. He was doing a very good job of it, Will needed to admit that. However, he was so confused! He wanted to talk to Jem, to ask him about where he was, what he did for the night and most importantly, why did he run away in the first place?

Will knew, that what Jem _did_ wasn't perhaps of the platonic nature but he knew just as well that all his _parabatai_ was trying to do is to calm him down, and it worked. The kiss on the head was an accident, an absentminded gesture of affection. Will knew Jem loves him, he loves Jem as well. He didn't see anything _too_ strange about that kiss, they were _parabatai -_ Jem meant just as much to him, if not _more_ than a blood brother would. _And yet..._

'' Alright,... we're here, finally!'' Charlotte sighs, in an almost _too_ cheerful tone, trying to break the ice between the two boys for _Angel knows_ which time today. Gaining no verbal response, the short woman glances between the two young Shadowhunters before sighing, throwing up her arms in defeat.

Opening the carriage door she was met by Thomas who helped her down, and then by her husband. Will looked over at Jem, but the other didn't even spare him a glance before rushing out of the carriage and into the institute, stopping only to greet Henry, Sophie and Agatha, and then he was gone. They all look after him, confused, and then back at Will for silent explanation; he simply stepped out the carriage and headed inside to the room where he can escape reality.

...

Jem didn't have any idea of where he was going until he reached the basement of the Institute. What was he doing here exactly? He wasn't sure, until he remembered that this was where he has left his violin. _despite not remembering,_ he said in his mind to the violin case as he approached it.'' I always seem to know where to find you.'' he finished aloud.

Jem picked up the rosewood box that contained his dearest possession, his pale-pink lips curling into a gentle smile. He stroked the case with great fondness, recalling the day when his father had given him the instrument within. It was a good memory, one he never let be overwhelmed by the thought of the murder of his parents.

He sighed, taking out the instrument and setting the wooden case carefully on the ground, and then the violin just as carefully upon his shoulder. And played. He played at first for his parents, for the love they always showed him; then he played the love the charlotte and Henry had for him, them giving him a new, loving home at the London Institute. He then played the years spent with Will, and the more recent days in Idris, before moving onto the individual events that made his heart bound in his chest.

Frustrated, he put the violin away. _How can you play the emotions you yourself do not understand?_ He slumped against the wall, staring at the ceiling. What was happening with him? why did the image of Will in his head or even the thought of his name make Jem feel this way. And that kiss... that was wrong. He could comfort his friend, could sing him to sleep, but kissing was something even _parabatai_ did not do. It upset Jem, because he might as well have ruined their friendship in that moment. Will could report him, or worse, never again speak to him. No. No, he would rather spend the remaining years of his existence with Will, speaking to him or not, rather than not seeing him again. But would Will want to waste his time any longer on the dying boy? On someone like Jem? He could only hope.

...

By the time dinner was served, the two young men still weren't talking to one another. Charlotte, Henry, Jessamine as well as Sophie and Agatha - who were standing by the wall - stayed in awkward silence. The Shadowhunters all ate without speaking a word, apart from Charlotte and Henry who made some small talk while keeping the topics open to everyone, but soon even they gave up and only spoke in hushed voices. Jem didn't even glance at Will, who in turn wouldn't take his eyes off of him. This annoyed Jessamine who was used to being in the centre of attention (or wanting to be in it). With an exasperated sigh she put the fork down on her plate, loud enough to make Charlotte and Sophie flinch; and Will move his eyes away from Jem at her. Satisfied, though not fully, she looked around at everyone and cleared her throat loudly. This got everyone's attention, apart from Jem's.

'' Will someone please tell me what is going on here?'' She asked in a demanding voice, though she kept her eyes on Will. For a moment no one spoke, but then Charlotte puts her glass down.'' What do you mean, Jessie?''

'' I mean,'' she says, still looking right at Will.'' Why aren't these two speaking to each other?''

'' Jessamine, leave it,'' said Will on an exhale, really not wanting to talk to _her_ about it. Or anyone, really.'' hmph,'' was her reply, looking over at Jem who was playing with his fork with the food on his plate, and then back as Will.'' Maybe I would, if it wasn't for you staring all doe-eyed at Jem!''.

Jem drops his fork.'' Jessamine!,'' calls out Charlotte.'' That's quite enough. They can figure it out themsel-''

'' I won't! I want to know what is going on! I can tell these two are up to something? What is it Will? attempts to getting to Jem's lower quarters didn't quite wor-''

 _thud._

Jessamine blinked. She wasn't quite sure what happened, but suddenly her wine spilled over her food, as did several other glasses around the table, and Jem was standing, red in the face, looking _angry._ '' Jessamine..,'' he said, in that sort of dangerous calmness.'' That's enough. Go to your room and don't even try to step out of there, do you understand''. There was no room for objection. She gulped loudly, stood up, and left the place.

'' Jem. what was that abou-''. Will didn't even have time to finish what he was saying before Jem left the room, in the opposite direction to Jessamine; in the direction of the front doors. '' What jus-''. This time Charlotte didn't finish speaking before Will rushed after Jem, into the Night.

...

Will had no idea where his _parabatai_ went. He searched everywhere. From Hyde Park to Whitechapel.. but nothing. By the time he reached Blackfrairs Bridge he thought, _no, not there... anywhere but_ not _there..._ and just as he was about to run to the opium den he noticed a gleam of sliver out of the corner of his eye.

Sweet relief washed over him as he saw Jem in the distance, leaning against the bridge, staring at the black Thames in front of him; a silver contrast to the water like the moon to the dark sky. Will slowly made his way to him, scared that if he made a rash movement Jem would run away like a frightened animal. Once close, he leaned against the bridge, mimicking Jem; he watched the water as well.

After all those years, Will still didn't understand what his friend loved about this dull place so much. Neither the Thames or the bridge were anything particularly nice to look at, and the light drizzle that began when Will was running out of Hyde Park wasn't making the sight any better. Will looked over at Jem, who still didn't speak; at how his silver gaze was focused on something far away, probably beyond London; his fine, bright lashes forming wet stars around his alomond-shaped orbs, and long-ish hair stuck flat to his face.

'' Before you say anything stupid, William,'' Jem said, startling Will just slightly, though Jem's gaze was still far away.'' let me apologize for anything that has occurred during our stay in Idris, and let us never mention it again.''

'' At the Herondale manor, what i saw in the woo-''

'' Will,'' Jem interrupted.'' Let us not speak of it, alright?''. Will didn't know what to say. He expected Jem to be _angry._ Upset, like when he was with Jessamine, because Will was the idiot who got them into all that mess in the first place and then couldn't get them out. He felt bad, always having to depend on Jem, on Jem who already had too much weight to bare on his own, slim shoulders; Jem, who Will knew well that he did not deserve. But instead, Jem was as calm as ever.

'' I thought you would be angry,'' Will admitted.'' I actually hoped you would be, I deserved it''. Will glanced over at Jem, but Jem didn't meet his gaze. Will turned back to the Thames, trying to hold back all the things he wanted to say. When Jem was silent for a longer while, Will tried again.'' I was worried, James. I was thinking that all the things that happened, all the things I said and did, I was thinking it would ruin our friendship. And there is nothing, nothing in the world Jem that I cherish more than our friendship. Without you, James, I am-''

'' Alone?''. Will looked back at Jem, and this time silver eyes met blue. Silver, _wet_ eyes.'' You are never alone, Will, you never were.'' Jem's eyes became wetter by the moment, but his voice remained steady.'' You have your family, alive in Wales, William. You have Charlotte and Henry even if you think you pushed them far enough. You have me, always there if you need it; but Will, sometimes it is hard to be there for you, when there is no one there to hold you yourself''. Jem set his gaze more squarely on Will.'' I know you think I am the good one, Will, but in the end I am the one who will break you. There's no pretending that there is a cure and that I will live. We all know I _will_ die. And when I die, because you pushed everyone away, there will be no one there to pick you up.. and I don't want the be the person who will do that to you. I don't want you to cherish our friendship like that. I don't want you to give everything away for it, because it will not last. I am not worthy of you, Will Herondale, and yet I selfishly yearn for you. I should not have listened to you. I should have never became your _parabatai,_ it would make things easier for you. You think you are a broken Angel, William, damned forever in your wrongs and miseries, but you can choose whether you rise or fall.''

Will stared at him for a few moments, speechless to the bone. Was this really what Jem was thinking? that _he_ wasn't worth _Will?_ That he would be hurting everyone? That they should not have sworn upon the Angel that one's life was worth more than the other's? It was true, Jem would probably die, and everyone loved Jem (everyone at the Institute), but it was Will who pushed everyone away, and who was selfishly yarning for Jem's friendship. This was wrong, what Jem was thinking was so wrong that a sudden anger was beginning to boil Will's blood in his veins.

Before he knew what he was doing, He was holding Jem by his thin wrists, none-too-gently.'' You are wrong James Carstairs, you are so wrong.'' Jem doesn't even struggle, instead he looks back at Will with determination - as well as something Will couldn't quite interpret - in his eyes.'' _You_ don't _know_ what will happen weeks, months, years from now, whether you will live or die, or if anything else in between will happen! There _could_ be a cure, and I will not say there isn't until your last breath. And I will NEVER regret you being my _parabatai,_ even if it is only for days to come, because everyday that I spend with you makes me better. _You_ make me better, James Carstairs, and it is _I_ who does not deserve _you.''_

'' Will..,'' Jem wanted to argue, but he found himself suddenly not able to. Instead, he lost himself in the deep blue, serious gaze of the man in front of him, and realized he was a _man._ Not the rude boy he met in the training room, or the determined boy who wanted to be his _parabatai._ Instead, he was a man, and what was more, a man Jem felt himself very attracted to in this moment. Attracted enough that when Will began to slowly close the gap between them, Jem found himself doing pretty much the same, until their lips met.

It wasn't anything heated, not like the kisses he shared with many strangers and women of lower morals. This was _Jem. He_ was _kissing_ Jem. It was a slow, soft press of lips against lips for a while, and then slow, soft movement of lips against lips. Will knew for a fact Jem had never kissed anyone before, and he himself never kissed a man, but in that moment it was as if the world had stopped and it was just him and Jem, and Jem's soft and sweet and perfect lips against his own.

That is, until they were interrupted, by no other than-'' Well well... now this is interesting''.


	6. Advices, Kisses And Lies

'' Well, well... now this is interesting.''

Upon hearing those words the two boys pull away instantly, as if their previous contact was burning their skin. Before them stood two men; men they may not have been too closely acquainted with, but of whom they both knew: Woolsey Scott, and Magnus Bane. They were both grinning, obviously well aware of the display of the two _parabatai,_ which seemed to amuse them.'' I must agree Magnus... very interesting, indeed,'' said Woolsey, eyeing the two boys up and down with his green werewolf eyes, much to Will's disliking.

'' So... since when have you two been engaging in such particular... activities?'' asked Woolsey, all curiosity and amusement. A low irritated growl sounds deep down Will's throat, getting the complete attention of the two Downworlders.'' I am simply asking because I have never seen any chemistry between you two gentlemen... I didn't even know you _were_ into men. If I did... I would have found a much greater interest in you, considering your prestigious looks,'' Added Woolsey, only briefly glancing away from Will and at Jem. Will felt a need to stand in front of Jem, as if to protect him from the eyes of the two almost-strangers, but he remained still.

'' I beg your pardon, gentlemen, but I am afraid you have been led into a misunderstanding,'' said Will, once he was sure his voice would come out steady, if not a little rude.'' I do know of what _activities_ you speak, and I can assure you that neither I nor James engage in such acts, for we are both straight men.'' Briefly, Will feared he might have offended the two men, though only because be knew of the Claves rather high (for their standards at least) opinions regarding them, Bane in particular. Yet he quickly realised he did not upset either, rather further amused them.'' Well,'' Woolsey laughed.'' If you _weren't_ kissing Mr. Carstairs, pray tell me what it was. Perhaps your silver companion has been attacked by a venomous demon?'' Will found that he wasn't enjoying being teased too much.

'' And what if I _have_ kissed him? what does it mean? I can assure you, werewolf, I do not find such hell-born pleasures in the company of men!''

'' Now now, there is no need for this,'' said Magnus, taking a step closer but putting up his hands in defence.'' we are not claiming otherwise.''

'' It does not feel that way!'' Will barks, beginning to move in the others direction but is stopped short by Jem's slender but strong arm.'' Will, do stay calm,'' he said, his voice as soft as it always was. Will closed his eyes, breathing in deep breaths and taking comfort in the steady figure beside him.'' Alright,'' He finally says, but keeps his eyes closed. Jem pulls his arm away, but soon places a reassuring hand upon Will's shoulder.'' Perhaps we should tell them of Idris,'' he said.'' perhaps they would be able to help us.'' Will's eyes opened and found Jem's, but they were dark and sliver in the shadows, and yet still kind and _Jem's._

'' Your friend here has a point, William,'' says Magnus.'' Besides, I would very much like to hear of what _this_ has originated from.'' Will glared at him.

'' Will.'' Jem's voice remained calm, but it was that sort of calmness that Will was not going to mock, just like Jessamine did not earlier that evening. And so, instead he let Jem speak his part.

...

''... I see,'' said Magnus once Jem finished telling them his side of the story. About the evening in Angel square, and the chasing around Alicante, not missing out the Herondale manor incident. He also told them of his struggles through all of this, his thoughts, and although Will didn't say anything to it, he wasn't sure whether he should be stunned or relieved that his friend felt similarly to what himself felt. The two men felt rather sympathetic for Jem; so young and so un aware of who he is and who might never have chance to learn of who he could be; unaware of the feelings he so clearly has for William Herondale.'' James dear,..'' says Woolsey, placing a comforting hand on the boy.'' how... have you perhaps felt this way before?'' Jem looked up at him.'' I do not think so, not about Will..''

'' And others?''

Jem shook his head.'' women?'' He shakes his head again.'' ...men?''. Jem is about to shake his head but freezes in place. An image showed in his head, one time when he and Will and the Lightwood brothers practiced together. Will and Gabriel fighting off further in the training room, Gideon managing to pin Jem to the floor. A light brush of a knee against his clothed inner thigh.

Jem shuddered at the thought. He was almost able to forget the memory. _Almost._ How he blushed and sighed against the slight contact, and only being able not to think about it because Gideon chose to not mention it again. Woolsey and Magnus didn't need to ask what the boy was recalling. It was clearly written on his face. But not to Will.'' Jem, whats wrong?''

Jem snapped back to himself, looking back at Will rather wide eyed, but then he dropped his head. In shame.'' Jem, whats goin-''

'' shush,'' the Warlock interrupted and squeezed Jem's shoulder lightly. Woolsey put his free hand on the other, and forced the boy to look at him.'' James,'' started the two of them, but Magnus continued.'' It is alright, there is nothing wrong with whatever happened. There is nothing wrong about it at all..'' Jem's gaze turned and focused on the golden-green cat eyes of the man comforting him, and although he was not completely convinced, he turned back to Scott and nodded his head. The werewolf gave him a supportive smile and let go of him as Will's voice filled the night again,''-plain what is going on? What are you saying about something being wrong with Jem?!''

Magnus sighed. Perhaps the boy was his type and probably one of the most attractive men that have walked the earth in the last about 300 years he has lived, but his temper and cluelessness diminished all of that.'' I am surprised you are still asking. Are _parabatai_ not supposed to be closer to one another than brothers? knowing the others soul like their own?''. Will opened his mouth and closed it. It's not like Will _couldn't_ guess what was wrong, it was more like he couldn't _believe_ it. It was true that Jem has never shown any interest in women, but then again Jem was the perfect example of a modest gentleman. Will himself wouldn't play around with women _as much_ if it were not for him trying desperately to get everyone away from him. But Jem didn't show any signs of even having a mild interest in any of the ladies, be it a suggestive smile or a private whisper in the ear.

He wanted to reach for Jem, to comfort him somehow, but stopped himself.

'' What about you, Mr. Herondale?'' asked Woolsey.'' Still against those _hell-born pleasures_ your dear companion is cursed with? or will you re-think your words?''

'' _James isn't cursed,_ '' he hissed back at the werewolf, surprising them all, including himself, but he didn't let his face mimic his feelings. There was a dark glint in Magnus Bane's eyes, but it was so brief Will decided he'd most likely imagined it.'' And I still do keep to my word. I am a man who enjoys the company of women quite a lot, whichever way you like to look at it, and I'm sure Mr. Bane at least does understand this..''

'' Indeed I do,'' says Magnus, crossing his long brown, but clothed arms over his chest, and looking straight at Will.'' But that does not mean that a man cannot have an interest in both, nor does it mean that a man's preference cannot be changed.'' Will glared at him for a brief moment, feeling a vein pulsing in his throat and temple. The rain has went back to a drizzle, but Will's hair sill clung flat to his head and he regretted not taking a hat.'' Why would you not even consider it a possibility?''

'' No'' Will snapped, lifting an accusing and trembling (from anger) finger at him. Indeed his face was growing hot with white rage... though he was not sure why he was so angry. Perhaps it was because they were judging them, not in a necessary wrong way, but then wasn't calling them homosexual without their own word in the matter wrong? All Will could think about is how this all was upsetting _Jem. His_ Jem. His _great sin._ Will has vowed many times to himself that he'd bring no harm onto Jem, _parabatai_ oath or not.'' No, you are wrong. You are wrong about me, and you are wrong about Jem. You do not know-!''

Abruptly, Will was interrupted by an outburst of laughter coming from Woolsey Scott, who was rather silent for a while, Will had to admit. Yet he would lie if he said that it didn't make him any angrier.'' Well, young Nephilim, what an entertaining show you are putting up for us. This is better than the opera! haha.''

'' Are you _mocking_ me?'' By this, he earned another laugh.'' Heavens no! do please go on. I do enjoy young, depressed men. Oh, the agony! the pain... such an emotional moment!'' Woolsey laughed some more but then calmed into an almost aerie silence.'' I will ask this, dear William..'' he began, his dark voice changing the atmosphere and almost changing the air and streets themselves, though Will suspected the dimmer light coming off of the gas street light had something to do with the warlock present.''... _would_ you be arguing so passionately... so furiously about a matter you did not have any interest in?'' he asked.'' .. in which you would have no _doubts?''_ Will was about to reply, but lost his voice. Woolsey's lips turned into an almost cruel sort of smile.'' do you see, young Shadowhunter?... that it is not _us_ you are trying to convince. not even your own dear _parabatai..._ it is _yourself_ you are trying to convince..''

The wind seemed to blow more fiercely, and the rain was cutting through the chilled air more sharply then ever before that night as Will was trying to bid himself to speak.'' That... is not true..'' he managed, causing Magnus to shake his head.'' Will, do tell me. Do you really have something against people who are different? like me or Woolsey,.. or possibly James?'' Will looks over at Jem who was finally for the first time sharing his gaze. In those silver eyes he could see the confusion and uncertainty that still remained, but also his hope and how desperate he was to hear Will's answer, the promise of the pain or relief his _parabatai_ would feel, depending on Will's answer now. All he could do was remain silent. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Jem.

'' Well,'' Magnus says after a while.'' I must confess I've been wondering whether your bond was leading in _that_ direction for a while. I'm not sure why,... perhaps because Mr. Herondale doesn't have a care in the world other than Mr. Carstairs.''

'' I do apologise,'' Will hissed through clenched teeth.'' But I'm afraid I am missing the point.'' Woolsey grinned from ear to ear.'' Oh please, Will. Everyone in London's shadow-world knows that if William Herondale cares for anyone other than himself, it was James Carstairs. I am surprised that the Clave didn't notice yet. Even we Downworlders can see it. Two young Nephilim that are inseparable and not wishing to be set apart. There have been rumors..''

'' _Rumors?_ '' Jem broke in. Woolsey looked a little startled, as if he completely forgot that Jem was there.'' Yes, there appear to be some.. though not a lot. Mr. Herondale is well recognised, for many reasons I am sure you are aware of,'' said Woolsey.'' Yes, I am,'' replied Jem.'' But I think you are not seeing the obvious problem in all of this.''

'' And what might that be, James Carstairs?''

'' Will and I are _parabatai.''_ The werewolf blinked twice and was about to say something but Jem carried on.'' Our souls have been linked when we were both children, we have decided to take the oath and become fighting partners, brothers under the covenant and consent of the Clave. It is true that the tradition of _parabatai_ is an old one and also a very important one to our people, but because of this certain limits remain. A Shadowhunter may choose only one _parabatai_ in his lifetime and cannot perform the ritual again, and the bonded pair must maintain the dignity of their warrior bond and must not allow it to transform into earthly love.''

'' And the problem is?'' Will was surprised Jem didn't even sigh in irritation at this, but then again it is _Jem_ after all.'' The problem is that romantic bonds between _parabatai_ are simply forbidden. It is believed the bond may become too strong, though obviously who knows since the matter is kept so quiet.''

'' I still do not see,'' said Woolsey.'' How _this_ is the problem. It is quite certain that if they forbid it, and do not speak of it, that it must have happened before. correct? Are rules indeed not made to be broken?'' Magnus spoke up before either of the boys could reply.'' I do agree With Woolsey here,'' he says.'' It is your choice and your choice alone whether you want to be together or not. You are probably well aware that there are ways to keep the Clave from interfering or even _knowing_ about things like that. I am sure you both heard the rumours about Benedict lightwood..'' They didn't reply. Magnus sighed. _Those Nephilim..._ '' Eitherway... I do hope you can see my and Mr. Scott's views on this. Is it all really worth sacrificing happiness?'' Will and Jem both dropped their heads, and Magnus could see the pain in their faces, the pain of whatever terrible things lay in the past, and he found himself feeling even a little sympathy for Will Herondale, seeing what a broken child he really is.'' It _is_ your choice what you do, but I do bid you both to consider what you both really want, and whether it is _worth_ risking.''

...

After quick farewells, the two Downworlders departed into the night, leaving the two boys alone on the bridge again. The rain had stopped, though now the cobblestones were reflecting the night like mirrors. Will did not dare to speak, not for a while longer, until he decided it was right.'' So,'' he started hesitantly.'' Do you think that... what Scott has told you about, you know.. do you think it might be true?'' Jem stayed quiet for a moment, obviously thinking this through, trying to decide himself. At last he sighed deeply and said,'' I don't know. I really don't. It's true that I have never really thought about women too much, but I did think the it would come over time, that I was a late bloomer perhaps,... but I never thought about men either. And now that I'm thinking perhaps I did, I just never realised it. But I think, I think after what happened at the Herondale manor, I might have perhaps started to realise it. I guess i just needed someone to speak it in my face.''

Will didn't say anything else for another moment, just stared out at the Thames. At last, when he was sure Jem wouldn't be speaking again, he said simply,'' Perhaps we should both go now. The hour is very late and we can very well sort this out back at the Institute.'' Jem only nodded and grabbed for his cane, and the two boys headed back home, the kiss they shared not an hour ago long forgotten by them both.

...

Once they return to the institute, the two boys headed straight to Will's room, not even stopping by Jem's in order for him to discharge his damp clothing. Will opened the door and stormed in, hurriedly picking books up from his bed and setting them next to the other ones scattered across the floor as Jem decides to step in. he would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous. The _whole_ situation was rather awkward and Jem was starting to see Will and Will's room with more open eyes. The scattered books he once found annoying and untidy he was now seeing as a cute, clumsy side of Will, the gentle side of him where they would spend hours in the library, Will reading books and Jem reading _Will_.

He walked over to Will, helping him with the poems, some written in Will's elegant handwriting and some printed and ripped out of books. he collected them in neat stacks whilst Will just tossed them away. He was about to rip the one's Jem had in his hands but he froze for a second, just staring at them, before mumbling a quiet thank you and taking them more gently and setting them away. Jem gave a gentle smile and straightened up before flopping himself on the bed, something the two of them always did when they were younger. Will stared down at him for a moment, An arm covering Jem's eyes although though jem could feel Will staring at him. He could always _see_ Will.

He sat up, though, when Will began pacing awkwardly about the room. He followed Will with his gaze but finally sighed and said,'' Will, I'll go insane with you pacing the room like an animal in a cage so for the love of God, sit down.'' He stopped abruptly, looked at Jem, then at the floor and nodded as he made his way over and sank into the mattress next to his friend. Jem sighed again. They stayed quite like this for another while, the air growing thicker and thicker with both dust and with tension. finally, on yet another exhale, Jem asks him,'' Why... why did you kiss me, William?'' Somehow the use of his full name felt painful, felt _serious_ and Will knew there was no way for him not to answer.'' Honestly? I do not know... I really don't. I just suddenly- i don't know... I felt the _need_ to kiss you in that moment. I can't explain it..'' Jem nodded at that. He felt the same way. Seeing Will standing there on the bridge, beautiful and blue and black and gold in the moonlight, soaked with London rain.. Jem had never witnessed anything more magnificent. He swallowed hard, not sure whether he should ask the next question. Unsure of how Will would take it, or whether or not the question and the whole evening itself would ruin their friendship forever.

'' Did you... d-did you, _enjoy_ kissing m-me?'' Will blinked for a moment. It was not often that Jem stuttered, neither was it that his friend blushed. such a deep, rosy colour... This time Will swallowed and he felt heat rising to his own cheeks as he scrambled for an answer.'' I-I-I'm not sure... i-it was so brief, and so sudden I wouldn't be able to tell.'' Jem nods again in agreement, red as a tomato. It was true, the kiss was very brief and he could hardly remember it at all. They were interrupted almost as soon as the kiss had begun. But he wanted to remember, he wanted to know.. he wanted to make sure that what he was told today was true. To _experience_ it. Composing himself as best as he could, he turned his full attention to Will, looking straight into his lapis eyes.'' Kiss me again.''

'' W-what?''.

'' Kiss me, Will. I need to know... need to know if this is truly what I want. Like Magnus said... what if we regret not doing it later? what if this is what we want?don't you want to find out? If we do not enjoy it, we can forget about this evening and act as if it never happened. But I _need_ to know.'' Will nodded his head continuously, heat rising to his cheeks again, though not as strongly as before. This caused Jem to blush too, and Will noted how _angelic_ his _parabatai_ looked in the dim light of the witchlight. Shakily, he placed his hand on Jems arm and guided him closer. He watched as Jem breathed, as Jem was leaned closer, and then their lips met.

At first, their lips were simply pressed against each another, just as they had been the first time they kissed, and they were looking deep into one another's eyes. Will leaned in more and relaxed, moving his lips and beginning the kiss. Jem found his head going empty with the sensation of Will's soft and sweet and full lips. He kissed back and closed his eyes. Will does the same as Jem's long and skinny arms wrapped around Will's shoulders almost against his own will, but he didn't care. All he could think about and feel was Will. After a while they find their kisses become more passionate and deep. James gasped when Will parted his lips and invaded his mouth with his tongue, kissing him hungrily. Will lifts him up and sets him in his lap, calloused hands cursing damp, clothed, and long slim thighs of the Chinese boy. Jem finds himself kissing just as desperately, wanting more and more and _more_ of Will.

Jem moaned into the kiss, causing even more heat to rise in Will's face. The sound was so sweet and melodic and _perfect_ Will found himself become arroused with it, more than he ever did by kissing a girl. Dark and lustful things start to run through Will's head; thoughts of what he could do to Jem. He wanted to touch his skin where he knew it was soft, stroke his long elegant legs without the damp clothes in the way, kiss him everywhere, drive him crazy with lust into such ecstasy he won't remember anything but how to scream Will's name.

This snapped him back into reality and he pushed Jem abruptly, making his _parabatai_ fall back onto the bed, wide-eyed and panting as hard as Will. They stared at each other for a while, looks of utter surprise on their faces as they both tried to collect their thoughts on what just happened. Jem was about to ask Will what is wrong, but is stopped short by the sudden look of complete disgust appearing on his friends face, although Will didn't meet his eyes.'' I cannot believe I agreed to this,'' he says.'' pure blasphemy. It makes me sick in the gut as if i were to vomit. This is not natural. Can you believe people actually do this voluntarily? What has becom...'' Jem bit his lip as Will continued to speak, turning his head to the side and forcing down his growing feeling of abandonment and vulnerability as well as continuously dropping idea of self-worth and self-esteem.'' Yes, you're quite right. I was thinking perhaps what Woolsey Scott said was true, but now I am certain that it is not. Perhaps I have not found the right lady yet... but I wouldn't want to touch a man again.''

Will felt a painful pang in his heart, though he knew this was what he wanted and chose to do.'' Perhaps that is true. now, it is late. Go back to your room Jem.'' Jem gave a nod and gets off the bed, smiling kindly like he always did, and somehow this made things even more painful. He stopped at the door and turned around.'' Good night, William.''

'' Night, James.''

...

Jem walked back to his room through the silent corridors, fighting all the emotions trying to escape. Once he reached his room he practically collapsed onto the door, opened it and closed, slamming his back against the door panting heavily. He stares up at his ceiling, recalling all the things Will had said. _It makes me sick in the gut as if i were to vomit. This is not natural. Can you believe people actually do this voluntarily?_

Jem found his legs going weak and he slumped down against the door to the ground. _I don't deserve him,_ he tells himself. _I am worthless. inhumane._ He looked over at the _yin fen_ box, feeling like a monster. A healthy boy like Will who would have no trouble in finding a fine, beautiful and healthy lady that he most likely wanted, deserved that; not a _sickly creature_ that Jem indeed was. Besides, how did he imagine a relationship between two men would look?. He felt stupid for asking for that kiss. Will must be disgusted with him now. _Can you believe people actually do this voluntarily?_ '' I would,'' he found himself whisper, and then wiped at his cheeks, as hot tears silver (from the witchlight) like stars, started to stream down his porcelain cheeks. Finally able to drag himself to bed, Jem curled into a ball like a lonely cat and cry himself to sleep.

...

The moment Will was sure that Jem was out of ear-shot, Will became rage itself. In seconds, glass, stones, books and many other items were thrown at the walls in anger. Despite knowing that he had made this choice for himself, it did not stop the pain. He did the right thing, and yet Magnus Bane's words were circling on and on in his mind. _Is it all really worth sacrificing happiness?_ Will slumped down on his bed and found himself touching his lips. When they kissed, Jem felt so _real_ and _alive,_ and _happy._ '' Do I... love him?'' he asked, but of course there was no one to answer. Yet he knew anyway..

 _It_ is _your choice what you do, but I do bid you both to consider what you both really want, and whether it is worth risking._

... That this was not what he wanted. Not what he wanted at all.

 **(expect the next chapter to come out quite soon. C'ya then! - Jamie x)**


	7. NOT A CHAPTER PLS READ

ANNOUNCEMENT

Hey guys!

first of all I am SO sorry for not posting at all during the summer :( I don't really have an excuse apart from a writers block and pure laziness. BUT... I am afraid I will be doing very little posting now as well.

let me assure you that I am not abandoning 'My Great Sin' or 'Don't Pray For Me'. In fact, the next chapters of these two are currently being written... but _slowly._ The thing is, I just started year 11 so I am in my last year of secondary school (don't know in what grade 15-16 year olds are in America and other parts of the world) and so I am VERY busy due to all the exams that will be taking place in June, as well as practice exams in December. I don't even do a lot of reading anymore due to it :'( But rest assured, I will do my best to finish these two stories whenever I have the free time to do it, and post other stories because my mind is just overflowing with brand new idea's for Will and Jem, as well as the other Shadowhunter Chronicles Characters ^_^

I thank you guys all _so_ so much for reading my stories and also for waiting patiently. I'll really try to update soon, I promise!

sending u all kisses and see u hopefully soon~!

~Jamie


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